The-Courier-recoveringnoah

I have started and restarted this post a million times. I started it being serious and I started it being funny and then I'd erase it each time because I didn't want to offend anyone... because the truth of the matter is this - when you talk about your educational decisions for your kids, some people are going to get offended. And I hate offending people or causing controversy or any sort of discomfort whatsoever. But here it is... we've decided to pull out Nandi and Eli from public school, and next week, we will start homeschooling them.

I'm going to be the first to admit that I'm a bit of an educational snob. I am extremely pro education. I love to read and I love to research and I love to think that my kids will go off and get advanced degrees and discover how to clone people and make robotic machines that will do all the laundry and fold it and put it away so I will never have to do it ever again.

I have high , if somewhat slightly unrealistic, hopes for my kids.

It never occurred to me that I would have kids with learning issues or emotional issues or health issues. I always assumed, from a very young age that any children I had would excel in school, join the debate team, graduate in the top 10% of their class, get a Bachelor's degree, join the Peace Corps, come back and do a one year Rhodes Scholarship to England and get their Master's degree, start a career and get a PhD at night while working on their career.

No, I'm not joking. Why do you ask?

I used to look down on homeschoolers. Not actual homeschoolers... you know, the ones who actually home school. But the ones whose moms made sure their daughters learned to cook and, oh my word, sew, because why on earth would you need to learn to do something like that when that's precisely why God invented tailors and old ladies? Why would you want to learn how to quilt when you can buy brand new duvets at Bed, Bath, and Beyond? And is learning how to make ten different types of breakfast casseroles really going to advance your career? Unless you run a restaurant?

There are moms out there whose sole goal for their daughters is to learn how to bake, budget, and raise a baby.  That's their goal. No college, no career. Just get married and raise a family and run a household.

There are moms out there whose sole goal for their sons is for them to grow up, get married, and get a job at the local water company or electric company or local plant.  No college. No world travel. Just get married and raise a family and provide for the household.

And, you know, I'm really ashamed to admit this, but I kind of looked down on that. Not the people themselves, but those goals. I've always said that I want more for my kids. I want more for my daughter. I want her to go to college and see the world and be anything she wants to be.

And then I had a daughter who has attachment problems. And learning issues. And who is so jealous of her little brother, who gets to stay home with me everyday, that at least 4 times a week, her jealously spirals into rage and anguish and she will stand in the middle of the living room floor screaming at the top of her lungs, and ripping off her clothes, and clawing at her chest, and pulling at her hair. And she doesn't know how to regulate. And she doesn't know how to calm down. Because in her mind.... her mind... I love him more and I will leave her one day and I will abandon her one day and she is not worthy.

That's when we started to question.... how can you possibly work on attachment if your child is away from you for 8 hours a day? And how can you work on attachment if that child is so consumed with feelings of jealousy and unworthiness that she sabotages every hour that she is home?

At what point does a child's emotional welfare trump a child's education??

We could send Nandi to school and she could learn to divide fractions and write essays and eventually graduate from high school, but is it worth it if she doesn't know how to establish and maintain relationships? If her feelings of worthlessness are so strong that she turns to the first boy that says she's pretty? If she tries to fit in by hanging out with the wrong crowd? By trying to get our attention, because in her mind any attention is better than no attention, by skipping school and failing?

I know it sounds crazy because she's only 8, but parents who've been in our situation know that these aren't crazy thoughts. These are realities for our children. We see things every day that would shock you. These are strong possibilities if true attachment is not made.

Nandi is so insecure that I can't even begin to explain it. She has no friends. Zero. None. And that's not an exaggeration. She does not know how to make friends, how to act around friends, or how to keep friends. She has an auditory processing disorder and a speech delay that makes communication very difficult. She's in second grade and has a reading level of 12. Despite being in  2 hours of pull out classes and tutoring... daily..she is failing reading. And then she comes home and takes it out on us.

At the same time, as much as she tries to push us away, I think she'd spend every minute of every day in my lap if she could.  She wants to be by me, lean on me, or sit on me every minute of the day. After two years of successfully sleeping in her own room, she has moved her mattress next to my side of the bed and sleeps there every single night. Sometimes she wakes up screaming that "The worries are on me! The worries are getting me! Get them off, Mommy. Help me!"  And my heart breaks and I wonder what her first three years were like and I know that she needs to be with me now.

And I think about those moms whose who are at home teaching their girls how to bake. I think about how they're teaching their daughters how to be good wives and mothers and I think that maybe I was a little too quick to judge. And I think that maybe they had the right idea all along. Because isn't togetherness and security and family really what it's all about?

Don't get me wrong. I'm going to teach Nandi how to do math and how to read. She'll learn all about science, and because I'm a history buff, she'll probably learn more history than she ever wanted to know. We'll do a proper curriculum and take tests at the end of each school year. But I also plan to teach her how to cook. And teach her how to do laundry and teach her how to look after a house.  Because my goals for her have changed. Because her history and her personality have necessitated this change. Because baking and budgeting and doing chores together means that we'll be spending time together and I think that's the one thing she wants and the one thing we need more than anything.

I hope she'll go to college someday. And I hope she'll join the Peace Corps someday. And I'm still holding out that maybe she'll invent that robot that will ensure I never have to do laundry again. But, above all, I hope she'll be able to find love someday. And keep that love. And have friends. Real, true friends. And I hope she'll be successful no matter what she chooses to do. And know that we love her and that she's worthy no matter what she chooses to do.

And I know it'll be hard. And to be honest, I'm scared to death. I'm actually more scared about homeschooling Eli than I am about Nandi. And about ignoring Noah. And about the huge big mess Naveen will create while we're doing our school work. The whole thing terrifies me. But I think it's the one thing that my kids need right now. And we don't have a lot of money. And we don't have a fancy house. And we don't have much of anything, really. But we have time. Lots of time.  So that's what 2013 is going to be about this year. Time and family and attachment and togetherness and love.

And possibly teaching my kids to learn to love math and science so they can invent that robot one day that will ensure I never have to do laundry ever again.

Our family would like to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

May you get lots of kisses under the mistletoe, Nutella in your stocking, remember the reason for the season, and stay up to watch the ball drop.

We're ending this year with the flu (all of us!), lots of school meetings, tons o' school drama (more about that later!), and more medical bills than I care to count (another hospital stay for Naveen just last week!!).

But this year also brought our missing puzzle piece (Naveen!), new friends, old friends, the loving and continued support of our family, exciting travel, and lots and lots of laughs.

May we continue to be so blessed in 2013. Happy Happy Joy Joy and a big Ho Ho Ho!

From our family to yours, Meeeerrrry Christmas!

Just wanted to let everyone know that Naveen came home from the hospital late Saturday night.  He was diagnosed as having an ESBL strain of Klebsiella Pneumoniae.  It's a super bug and only responds to a few antibiotics. Fortunately, it's responding to the two that Naveen is currently taking.

He'll be on IV antibiotics until Dec 5 and I'm administering them every 8 hours. Let's see... does anyone really think I'm competent and organized enough to handle that?? I flushed his IV with blood thinner the first go around and forgot to clamp his IV shut, but he made it through in one piece. I've got it down pat now, although I feel completely and utterly sleep deprived. I'm usually in bed by 9, but have to stay up until 11 for his night dose and then get up at 5.15 am for his morning dose. And I'm such a light sleeper that I wake up every time Eli goes to the bathroom at 3 on the dot and can never go back to sleep.  The kids will tell you that I'm just a little cranky lately. 4 hours of sleep is detrimental not only to my health, but everyone's around me!

He's doing so much better now. Feels better. Acts better. The kicking and screaming upon waking is GONE. He was just miserable these last 5 weeks since his surgery.  I actually forgot how active he is when he's feeling well. He is 0-60 in a heartbeat. That boy... I tell ya... he keeps me on my toes!

Speaking of toes, this is what Naveen did when I asked him to go put his shoes on yesterday.


He's taken a liking to the box of rubber gloves that the home health agency sent us.  Isn't he cute??!! (I keep telling myself that over and over again as I clean up glasses of water that he's dumped on the floor, clean clothes that are dumped on the floor, books that are dumped on the floor... do you see a theme here?)

If you're the praying type, please keep Naveen in your prayers. His nephrologist is pretty sure this bacteria will come back and says it will damage his kidneys more and more each time it occurs. He sent Naveen home with a peripheral IV instead of a pic line because he wanted those veins to remain untouched in case his kidneys get damaged enough to need dialysis in the future.

Well, I had to make this quick because I'm about to help Noah make some chocolate chip banana bread. He's found a new hobby.. .baking!  This is a picture of the bread that Noah made yesterday (from a bread machine, but not a packet)...


I really do need to do a huge update on Noah. I'm way overdue. Part of it is because I don't know where to begin and part of it is because I'll have to admit that I've done jack all in regards to homeschooling this year. I like to blame it on the fact that it's hard to homeschool when you have a very active 3 year old in the home, but I know people who have 10 kids and still manage to get it all done. For the record, I am not one of those people!!  Wish I was, but the reality is that I'm a very poor manager of time.  And a queen of excuses. Did I tell y'all that I have an honorary PhD in Excuseology? It's a real degree, I swear!

But, anyway, hopefully I'll get a Noah update on here soon.  In the meantime, we've got some cooking to do!

I think whether you're pregnant or in the midst of an adoption, you can't help but mark each holiday in terms of what will happen "next year".   "Next Christmas, she'll  be here." or "Next Easter he'll be here."  A year ago, as we were gathered with our family at my aunt's house, I was telling anyone who would listen, "Next Thanksgving, Naveen will be here!" and I imagined him sitting in my lap, all dressed in orange and brown (my favorite colors on my Indian babies), tasting pumpkin pie for the first time, and holding hands while we said grace.  Never in a million years did I imagine that he'd be spending his first Thanksgiving in the hospital.

He's doing fine. It's nothing too serious. He just caught some sort of a bacterial super bug that can only be treated with IV antibiotics. We should, hopefully, go home on Saturday or Sunday, with an IV in and a home nurse will stop by to give him his antibiotics for the next week or so.

This hospital stay is completely different than our stay last month. He's not on pain meds this time around, so he's completely lucid and he does NOT want to be here. No amount of Barney, bribing with Pringles, or watching the Disney channel will change his mind. He wants to go home! And in a way, I should be really glad about that. He has a home to go to. He has a family to go to. This sweet little boy wants to go home. Now!

Today, I'm going to be thankful that I'm able to be here with Naveen. I think about all of his hospital stays in India and I'm so thankful that he now has a Momma that he can hold onto and lean on and scream at that he " wants to go home. Now!" And this Momma is so thankful her little boy is home this year.

And as I look over at him, all huddled against me on the pull out couch, running a hot wheel up and down my arm, and asking to play a game.... I can't help but think to myself that this might actually be my best Thanksgiving ever.

And that we can't wait to go home.

Now!

May you all have a wonderful and peaceful Thanksgiving.

Update - Oh my word! Never underestimate the power of 3 hours of homework a night to completely upset your whole schedule.  Soooo many things not getting done this week. We are REALLY struggling with Eli's learning issues and his homework. Everything makes sense now that we know what's going on and we're desperately trying to find a way to help him learn. I am really praying about homeschooling right now. Those who know me fear for me.. and my kids! haha. Our family dynamics are not the best for homeschooling. Each child would do good on their own, but all together.. all day long?  But I am spending several hours a day reteaching what they're learning in school AND I spend ALL my time trying to figure out ways to teach them in the way that they learn mess. It's a jumbled mess right now. Ideally, I'd like them in school so I can devote some time to Noah and Naveen, who don't get much attention when the other two come home from school. But at this point, they may end up failing and being held back next year. Decisions... Decision... Decisions...


Back when I was working, I had my daily routine down pat.  I'd get to work and make my one and only cup of coffee for the day and I'd hang around the microwave talking to my coworkers about what happened on last night's episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Party of Five (am I dating myself here??) and then head to my office. Once there, I'd check my email and my voice mail and my inbox. I knew exactly what work needed to be done for the day, what meetings I had scheduled, what phone conferences I had to participate in. And, sure, sometimes things didn't go as planned. Sometimes, I'd have to meet with students or an angry parent, but life, for the most part, was running pretty smoothly.

That's something that hasn't been happening in the 9 years that I've been home. My one cup of coffee has increased to five or six. I stay in my sweats until 3pm, and basically feel that life is one big free fall and I'm walking in circles without really accomplishing anything.

I do my best when I have a schedule and a plan, and, lately, I feel that so much is being thrown at me that I'm in danger of just sitting on the couch all day and wondering how it got to be 5 o'clock so soon. So, today, at least, I've decided to make a schedule for the week. Not minute by minute or even hour by hour... just a list of things that need to get done, written out in one place, with no pressure to get it all accomplished today or even tomorrow. But having that list will help me see everything that needs attention and, hopefully, will help me prioritize things a bit better this week These are not the only things that need to be done, but things I need to pay special attention to...

Appointments

Urologist - DONE!

Nephrologist  - DONE!

Chiropractor - DONE!

Brain Gym - DONE!

Occupational Therapy 2x  -DONE!

Noah's Stroller Fitting

Piano for Nandi - DONE!

Pediatrician for Naveen's UTI  - DONE!

Blood work for Naveen

Classmates Birthday Party (Nandi)

Around the House

Clean Bathrooms

Sweep 4x

15 minute kitchen clean-up before bed

Laundry - every day

Dust

Organize Laundry Room

Organize Nandi's clothes. Go through hand-me-downs and pass on the ones that are too small and box up the ones to grow into  - DONE!

The Kids

Work on the 5's multiplication tables with Eli  -DONE! (And ongoing.. huge drama!!)

Math homework with Nandi - DONE!

Spelling words for Nandi and Eli  on M,T,W, Th  - DONE! (Test is Thursday instead of Friday)

Try Lavender essential oil with Eli for anxiety  - DONE! (Forgot about his sensory issues involving smell. Oops! Must come up with something else...)

Finish the 3rd Percy Jackson book with Noah and start on A Wrinkle in Time   DONE!

Read to Naveen before bed each night

Play Zingo with Noah and Naveen 2x

Do puzzles with Naveen 5x

Do Noah's neurodevelopment exercises 5x (and have Mozart playing in the background while doing so and clove/orange/lemon essential oil mixture in the diffuser)

Read next Story of the World chapter to Noah

Finish Howliday Inn on CD during trips to appointment  DONE! Next up, A Celery Stalks at Midnight. (All Bunnicula books)

Do math with Noah at least 1x (Math is my weakness.. doing it at least once will be an improvement!)

Let Noah and Naveen play with the bean tubs at least 2x and shaving cream 2x

Make fingerpaint

Go for a walk with Naveen and Noah 2x by ourselves and 2x with Daddy

Give Elderberry extract to Nandi and Noah

Clip nails for all 4 kids - DONE!

For Me

Make green juice (head of romaine, 4 cups of spinach, kale, one cucumber, handful of parsley, slice of ginger, and tsp of cayenne pepper) 3 x

Drink apple cider/honey tea (2tsp of Bragg's Apple Cider + 2 tsp of honey in 8oz of water) 5x

Errands/Misc Things to Do

Drop off copy of learning disability testing to school  - DONE!

Make bone broth

Teach Nandi how to make Congo Squares (not healthy at all, but her favorite dessert and handy to eat in the car this week)

Write a Thank You note  DONE!

Complete Naveen's 1st CARA report and mail off to Holt

Send birthday present to niece Ffion in England  DONE!

Buy birthday present for Nandi's friend

Pick up raw milk from local Mennonite Farm  - DONE!

Research

GAPS diet

Diane Craft (for learning disabilities)

Pocket camera for Nandi's Christmas

Making homemade cough syrup (currently looking at this onion/honey mixture - Nandi is our Cough Queen)



We have such a busy week this week that I'm not even sure we can get it all done, but writing it all out makes it seem much less intimidating and makes my head seem much less cluttered!

I wanted to thank everyone for the kind comments on my last post. You know.. the one where I had a mental breakdown on my blog?? Thanks for the sweet words and suggestions (Heather, you rock!!).  And to Anonymous, who suggested that maybe "Gotcha Day" was offensive to my kids... I didn't take offense at all to your suggestion... and please don't worry... I didn't think you were rude at all. Thanks for the input. Because I'm an over researcher, I'd heard about this before and we sit down each "Gotcha Day" and talk about it with the kids. Right now, they're totally fine with the term because it's the day we "got them", but we'll change it if/when they want. The important thing is to make sure the kids feel comfortable... and to celebrate the day that we all became a family.

I'm off to print off my to-do list and get busy! Have a good week!

It's time for another Gratitude post.

What, you say? Another one? Did we just have one of those?

Yes. Yes, we did. But things are crazy and I'm feeling overwhelmed and so I need a bit of perspective.

Again.


About ten years ago, I remember my mom was feeling pulled in all directions. My granny, my granddad, and my great aunt were sick and my mom was the primary caregiver for all of them. She lived thirty minutes from them, but would drive to see them everyday. Shop for them, take them to their doctor's appointments, do their laundry... and still make it home by 5.00 o'clock and have supper waiting for my dad when he got off work. Just two years earlier, she'd undergone chemo for breast cancer and was still living in fear that it would return.  Sim and I were in the final stages of Noah's adoption, and my brother and his wife lived 3 hours away. She felt stressed, pulled, and all alone.

That's kind of how I'm feeling right now.  Just pulled in a thousand different directions and not sure which things to give priority to and which things can wait and which things I can give minimal attention to while keeping the guilt beast away.

We received test results on Thursday for one of our kids. Actually, they weren't that bad.  A few months ago, I blogged that we suspected that this particular child was showing signs of mental illness. I didn't post what we were suspecting, but seeing that he doesn't have it, I guess I can go ahead and talk about it.  Over the summer, we were pretty positive that this child was showing signs of early onset bipolar. The depression, the anger, and how it all cycled just screamed bipolar to us.  It turns out that his psychologist didn't see that at all. In fact, this child was diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and depression, along with a Mathematics Disorder and Disorder of Written Expression.

I should be glad right?

But, in fact, I feel completely overwhelmed. I feel like I have 70,000 languages to learn, when I already speak 50,000.  Because I have an all or nothing/bull dog mentality, coupled with my intense love for research, I feel that now I have to learn everything about dysgraphia and dyslexia and dyscalculia. I have to learn what it is and how it effects people and how to help my child learn despite this.  I have to learn about education law and Texas education law and IEP's and ARD's and my child's rights. I'm going to have to fight the school, stay on top of the school, and do hours of afterschooling.  I have to learn about ADHD and anxiety and depression. I have to learn about alternative treatments and medication and how ADHD meds can increase anxiety and anxiety meds can increase depression and how much more of this can increase before I just completely lose it?

I worry about Nandi and how to guard her heart and help build her self-esteem. I posted a question about this on Facebook last week and received the most incredible answers, but now  I feel that I have all these books to read, and things to do, and while I'm trying to figure it all out, I feel that I'm screwing her up in the process.

I panic over Noah, who has decided to start eating sand, and pouring contact lens solution all over his head, and rub toothpaste all over his body and the mirrors, while emptying the hand soap all over the floor. I feel guilty because I'm not feeding him what he should be eating, and I need to learn to make bone broth soup and fermented vegetables and maybe he would do better if I could get him to try raw milk, but he's been off milk for so long that he doesn't like the taste. And maybe if we could afford to buy organic, his skin wouldn't be the way it is and, good gravy, how am I ever going to get him potty-trained?

And speaking of potty-training, will Naveen ever get potty-trained again? And will he ever sleep in his bed? Why can't he say his own name? And will I ever be able to put him down or will his bottom become surgically implanted on my hip? And even though kindergarten is 1 1/2 years away, I can't see him going. He is the most insecure child I've ever met and he is still so afraid that I'm going to leave him.

I need to reread The Connected Child and I need to finish my book on Reading Disorders in Children and am I ever going to finish that book that I started 2 months ago on Saint Augustine for Noah? Will Noah ever talk? Why do speech therapists charge so much money and why do we live far away from one? And why does my 9 year old still fist his pencils like a 2 year old and why does my 3 year old throw fits every single morning?

How do I guard my children's hearts and let them know how wonderful they are? How can we spend one on one time with them when Sim leaves when they wake up and comes home right before they go to sleep? And how do other parents do it? How do parents with 15 kids keep adopting? How do they afford it? Who pays for all those diapers? And they homeschool, too? And they make nutritious meals and their kids actually eat it? And there's no TV in the house? Oh my word, how, how, how, does everyone do it?

I spend so much time worrying, that I'm actually not even accomplishing anything at all. So, I've decided to put finger to keyboard and realize that if I look hard enough... and I don't even have to look that hard... that I can see blessings in all of this...

1. My young child has learning disabilities and anxiety and depression and ADHD.

Okay, we can live with that. Considering that I have a friend dealing with autism and schizophrenia in her household, we're doing okay. There's medication for everything my child has and we can work on diet and a behavior plan... and above all else... at least we finally have answers. We know what we're dealing with, we know now why this child is the way he is, and we can move on from there.  So.. yes. Answers. We wanted them. We got them. Let's tackle this thing!

2. I don't know how to do everything for my daughter.

I don't have time to read a ton of books, but I do have time.  Today, we made lunch together and she helped Sim out in the garden. Right now, she's gone to Lowe's with him to buy a plant. And Sim plans on teaching her photography, so they can share the same hobby together. What is that people say? How do you spell love? T-I-M-E.   We can do that. We don't have a lot of money. But we can always find a way to make time.

3. I don't know how to pay for everything that needs to be done and already has been done. Noah needs speech therapy. Nandi needs an evaluation for learning disabilities and ADHD. The bills for Naveen's surgery are coming in and all four kids need to go to the dentist, while 2 need to see the dermatologist and one has to start seeing a child psychiatrist for possible meds.  Three are going to Brain Gym next week, Naveen sees his Urologist and Nephrologist on Tuesday, and . Noah goes to his chiropracter Tuesday afternoon and then gets evaluated for a new stroller on Friday.  I have to drive to Dallas four times next week and gas is increasing.

The good news is that three appointments are all on the same day, so that cuts down on gas. I can also head to Whole Foods on one of those Dallas trips and buy some Lavender essential oil and see if that helps with Eli's anxiety.  We don't have to get a new stroller for Noah just yet, so if insurance won't cover it, then at least we'll know how much we have to save for and buy it another time. Our Brain Gym teacher only charges $12.50 per child, which is unheard of, and I bought some food on sale this week that I can take with us on these Dallas trips so we don't have to drive through somewhere. And our Neuro-Chiropracter, who I thought we were going to have to stop seeing when he stopped taking our insurance, is still letting us see him and did not increase the fee. That's good, right?

4. I don't know why Naveen is so clingy....

But I am grateful that we learned from Nandi on what not to do and we're really doing everything we can to make sure that he firmly attaches to us. It may seem strange and not right to people on the outside, but I can't think of anything more detrimental to Naveen right now than putting him in his own bed or putting him in Pre-K. He is so emotionally fragile and although I worry that he might be getting spoiled, my mother's instinct tells me that we're doing the right thing. And one thing I've learned in 10 years of being a parent is that I really do need to listen to that instinct more often.

5. I feel that I'm being pulled in 50 different directions and I don't know where to start.

I just need to take a deep breath and continue to do what I'm doing and add things where I can...

I can't do everything at once, but  I can hug Nandi more and tell her how special she is and do one on one things with her. I can let her help me in the kitchen more often and play more board games with her. And when I have free-time, I can read up on one of those books that everyone's suggested to me.

I can continue to give Naveen 10 second hugs throughout the day and sit and read to him on the couch. He can continue to sleep with us, while we slowly try to transition to him to his own bed. I can set the timer to remind myself to take him to the bathroom, and do the same for Noah, too.  And I can continue to let Naveen do the things he loves to do... help me around the house and just be by my side.

I can continue to read to Noah, put coconut oil on his skin, and do his daily therapies with him. I can work more on therapies I generally hate because they're messy... shaving cream, tubs of bean, and finger paints.  I can make a goal of taking him on his bike at least a few times a week, and just spend more time with him.

I can't afford speech therapy right now, but  I can work with him on bubbles and brushing his teeth, and blowing cottonballs across the table and maybe making sounds. I can make sure he gets his fish oil and vitamins and maybe once a week learn a new recipe that might help. First up... bone broth!

I can make sure that I work on deep breathing techniques with Eli and see if Lavender oil calms him down. I can work on setting a bit of money aside of each week until we can buy Times Tales to help with his multiplication tables and maybe read one article a night on right brain learning and how to help children with learning disabilities.  I can work on making life not seem so overwhelming and work on breaking down instructions or chores into small steps.

I can't do everything, but I can do SOMETHING.

Okay, so this didn't really turn out into a gratitudes post... I'm not really sure what it turned into. But all I know is that I started it out by feeling anxious and overwhelmed, and now I feel that I have a clearer sense of what needs to be done and what can be done at the moment. We still have tons to work on. Tons more to do, but I think we'll make it if I just approach it the same way I would if I had to eat an elephant... one small bite at a time.

I'm off to go take that first bite. Hopefully I'll be back soon to let you all know how it tasted!

6 months!! Can you believe it?? I'm not kidding when I say that I sat down at the table Saturday morning and spent a good 30 minutes staring into oblivion while mulling over the fact that November 4th was Naveen's 6 month Gotcha Day.

6 months!! Where'd the time go?

So much has happened and things are just so crazy busy that I don't get a chance to blog much anymore. I have great intentions of being a super consistent blogger, but the fact that I have commitment issues, plus the fact that feeling pressured to write everyday stresses me out, means that I end up constructing a ton of blog posts in my head, but rarely type them out onto the computer.

So, here's a quick bullet list of what's been going on, followed by pictures!

• Naveen had surgery on October 12 to repair his right kidney. Knock on wood, we think it worked! We go back next Tuesday to his see both his urologist and nephrologist for a follow-up.
• Naveen's completely regressed in almost all areas since the surgery. He's no longer potty-trained (hello expensive pullups!), is still sleeping in our bed, while Sim occupies the couch, has practically zero appetite, and is very clingy
• Prior to the surgery, though, he was coming around and starting to feel more comfortable around Sim and our family
• Still turns his head away from strangers who try to talk to him when we're out in public. He subscribes to the philosophy that if he can't see you, then you don't exist!
• Has become a master at manipulating the iPad and our Roku.
• Thinks he's the same age as Nandi and Eli and LOVES to rough house
• Has calmed down loads and is no longer pulling books off the shelf, flooding the kitchen, or emptying tubes of toothpaste in his hair
• LOVES to help me fold laundry, empty the dishwasher, and put clothes into the dryer (can I clone him??)
• Loves Barney. Way too much.
• Is speaking in 4-5 word sentences, although his articulation is still iffy.
• REFUSES to say his name. Won't say Naveen or Aashish. Seriously, what's with that?
• LOVES shoes. The boy is a shoe-a-holic. I think he spent way too many years wearing pink Hello Kitty ones in the orphanage. He's a little fashion horse, too.
• Doesn't play with toys and prefers real things... like brooms and cups and rubberbands.
• Can put my hair into a ponytail! And loves to brush my hair.
• Cries for at least 30 minutes first thing every morning. Okay, cries is an understatement. This boy SCREAMS and kicks and flails first thing every morning. But after that, he calms down and is good as gold for the rest of the day.
• Loves to dance. Prefers rap music (blech) and is very opinionated about what he wants to listen to in the car. But I'm also opinionated about what I want to listen to in the car, so he's learning to get over it.
• Is pretty much the biggest blessing in the world and I'm serious when I say that not a day goes by when I don't think how lucky I am to be his mommy. I just feel unbelievably blessed.

I could've sworn that when I put him to bed last night, he looked like this...



But when he woke up this morning, he looked like this...


A beautiful and sweet ELEVEN year old!

Happy Happy Birthday to the boy who stole my heart, changed my life, and started it all.

Noah Partha, I love you more than you will ever know. And it is such a privilege being your mom. I am so grateful that I've been able to spend these last 10 years with you and watch you  grow into the handsome, funny, and intelligent young man you are today.

If only the whole world could see what we get to see everyday. If only they knew how brave and how strong you are and how each day that you're alive is a miracle. Everything you do is a miracle. Walking next to me in the grocery store and putting veggies into plastic bags? That's a miracle. Learning how to stack blocks on top of each other? Another miracle. Bringing the peanut butter jar to me when you want to play with the lid? People would never know what a milestone that is in your life.

You are the reason I wake up in the morning.

My entire life has changed because of you. I resisted at first, and I grieved for a long time. I kicked and screamed and spent years looking for the magic pill that would take you back to the boy in that first picture up above. But I am forever grateful for the day when I began to see what a miracle you are and how amazing and funny and intelligent you can be.

Out of all our kids, you're the only one who likes me to read to him.  You're the only one who loves classical music and who shares my love for history. You enjoy going for walks and sitting behind your Papa on the four wheeler. You find pleasure in the simplest of things.

I know that you're aware of what's going on. And I know there are days when sometimes it just seems too much.  I hear you crying at night, more often that I'd like to admit, but you always have a smile on your face when you wake up in the morning, as if to say, "What? I get to spend another day with you, Mom? I love life!"

I just wanted to thank you, Noah Partha. You have taught me the meaning of true and unconditional love. You've given me patience and insight and a tolerance for people that I might otherwise never have.  It's your birthday, sweet boy, but I'm the one feeling incredibly blessed.

Two posts in 24 hours? I know! Might as well sit down and type while I've got the gumption.

The other day Sim took a day off work because he said I needed a "Mental Health" day. Bwahahaha! Ya think?!

It happened to be on a day that I was already scheduled to drive to Dallas for a doctor's appointment. But, Sim, being the awesome guy that he is, agreed to come and keep me and the kids company. Yes! He drove the 3 hour round trip drive on his day off. He's a good man, Charlie Brown!

On the way to the appointment, we made a quick stop at my friend Liza's house. She was at work, but she had some stuff for Nandi, and her parents were home, so we ran by for a few minutes.

Okay, let me explain. Liza is originally from Uzbekistan. Her parents are Russian. Have you ever attempted to make a "quick stop" at a Russian's house?

We walked in and there were plates of Russian meatballs and little bowls of fruit and vegetables and slices of lemon and bowls of olives and all sorts of wafer dessert-y things. Y'all, we had 10 minutes. TEN minutes!

“No! No! Eat. Lez-lee. See-me-un. Stay! Eat!”

I love the way they say Simeon’s name. If I don’t pay attention, it sounds like they’re calling him Semen and because I’m really just a 14 year old girl at heart, it makes me giggle every time.

And then Liza’s dad was all,

“See-me-un! You drink! Russian beer. Gut stuff! Meatballs. Russian beer. You like, no? Eat! Drink! Jeers! (which was really “Cheers” and again the giggles just overflowed).

And Sim turned to me and was like,

“Why don’t you go ahead and take Noah and Naveen to the doctor and come back when you’re done.”

Say what? It’s MY Mental Health Day, dude. MY MHD!

But what was I going to do? I didn’t want to be that wife. You know, the one that tells her semen that he can’t have his Russian beer and meatballs (giggle giggle snort snort). And besides, Liza’s mom really did go out of her way to prepare everything and it would have been rude. And, dang, those meatballs were good. So I scarfed one down, took the kids, and hit the road. Leaving See-me-un and Mikhail toasting each other and knocking one back.

So, after the appointment, I decided to take a shortcut back to Liza’s house (aka.. the highway) and don’t you know there was a wreck?! What should of taken me 10 minutes took me 50 and by the time I arrived, we had to drive straight back home to pick up Nandi and Eli from school.

I was so bummed because I had all these visions of looking at the Halloween stuff at Michael’s and dragging Sim through Hobby Lobby and pointing out which garden gnomes I hope he gets me for Christmas. Especially since an evil troll, oddly named See-me-un, keeps breaking mine with the lawn mower. But, nope, no time. We had to head back.

And then, because I’m doing my best to see the silver lining in everything and I didn't want to spoil the day, I just decided to keep my mouth shut for the whole ride home. Some may call that the silent treatment, but I refer to it as just being really smart and not saying something you’re gonna regret.

Then when we got home, it was time for the kids to get out of school and Sim got to see firsthand what goes on from the hours of 3.30 – 8pm every day. First of all, progress cards were sent home that day. And Sim and I immediately decided that the word Progress Report is a complete and total oxymoron.

Progress? We don’t see no stinking progress!!

The results of the progress reports (1 kid failing 2 subjects and passing 1 by just a point and another kid failing just one subject but in a very big way) caused the first mentioned child to roll around on the floor screaming and crying for OVER AN HOUR. This set off Noah, who is doubly cursed not only with a sensitive heart but  auditory issues, as well. He can’t stand to see someone upset and he can’t stand to see them cry. This made HIM cry and he proceeded to scream, bawl, and bang his head for a mighty long time. And the child who is failing only one class didn’t get upset at all. In fact, this child bragged to the other child that she’s only failing ONE class and he’s failing TWO and la-di-da-di-da, that means you’re stupid and I’m not.

At this point, Sim looked at me and said,

“Is that what it’s like every night??”

And because I’m desperately trying to watch the words that come out of my mouth, my body went into some weird involuntary movements that could only best be described as a massive eye roll and a smirk. And if it’d been 1989, my helping of eye rolls and smirks would have been dished up with a whopping side of “DUH!”. But it’s not 1989 and as I’m desperately trying to watch the words that come out of my mouth, all Sim got was the behavior of a 12 year old child.

And, since Sim really is the most awesome guy that ever walked the face of the earth, he looked at me and said,

‘You know what? You need to just get out! Go!”

which I took to mean,

“Leave these premises immediately and go have some fun before I change my mind!”.

 And before I could even protest, “But Dave Ramsey doth sayeth…”, Sim pushed me out the door and my Mental Health Day began!

I ended up calling my friend Deedra, who also has 3 kids, 2 adopted, and 1 with Aspergers (and who was in desperate need of a MHD, too) and we decided to go to the movies.

I wanted to see The Odd Life of Timothy Green, but then she told me the kid dies at the end and I was all like,

“Oh, hell no!. My Mental Health Day is not going to end with me blubbering into my Kleenex like a depressed fool. I deal with 7 shades of tears on a daily basis. No thank you!”

And I suggested that new Clint Eastwood/Amy Adams movie, but she was all like,

 “Uh, doesn’t Clint Eastwood get dementia or something? I just can’t handle that right now.”

Because her sweet daddy has advanced Parkinson’s and her Mental Health Day would have turned into a Mental Breakdown, so we skipped that one, too.

Finally, we decided on the new Bourne movie. Neither of us was truly psyched to see it becase, really, how can you have a Bourne movie without Jason Bourne? But it was that or some movie called Dredd and we knew that wasn’t our cup of tea. So we walked in, bought our popcorn and sat down.

Y’all, we LOVED it! And yes, that exclamation mark at the end of the sentence is punctuated with a huge cheerleader squeal.

I guess because we live in a small town and the movie’s been out for awhile now, we were the only ones in the theater. Which meant we had the ENTIRE place to ourselves! We put our feet up on the seats in front of us and screamed and yelled at the screen and hid our face in suspense and cheered and jeered until the end credits rolled.

It. Was. Awesome!

There was no one to tell us to quit kicking the back of their seat. No one to turn around and hiss, “Shhh!”. And I think I even saw Deedra break out her phone once or twice to send a couple of text messages in the middle of the film.

And we got to scream at the screen and say things like, “Look behind you!!” “Noooo…. You idiot! RUN!!!” “Omigosh! Omigosh! Omigosh", and the all important, "Kiss her! Kiss her, you fool!"

And after we had our fun yelling at the screen, we sat there and pondered out loud the two questions that every woman who has seen the movie  pondered at one point or another…

1. Why hasn’t Ed Norton removed that mole yet?

And

2. Is Jeremy Renner really hot enough to play the lead role in a Bourne movie?

And after a spectacular fight scene where he slides down the wall in an alleyway and singlehandedly takes on five Filipino policeman without breaking a sweat, we both decided that he could totally call us maybe.

And then we went home. And the kids were asleep and it was all nice and quiet and the house was a complete tip with dishes everywhere and popcorn strewn about the floor and Sim looked so cute and disheveled from having to deal with 4 tired and wired kids at bedtime that I just loved him even more.

And when I told him that I thought that I needed a Mental Health Day at least once a week, he was too tired to protest.

And, THAT, my friends is what I call a  good Progress Report.

Today was one of those days were I had to pull out all the stops. We were running late. I hadn't given Eli his mock spelling test yet. We were out of groceries, and the kids were starting to get on each other’s nerves. So I did what any good stressed out mom would do… I bribed them with donuts.

I promised that we’d drive through the donut shop if they could just get their act together and work together as a team.

Part of the whole work together as a team bit included Eli helping Naveen  get dressed. Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t think a brown and orange striped shirt and blue and red plaid shorts match each other. So I left the shorts in place and quickly changed Naveen’s shirt and we were outta there!

After they scarfed down the donuts and I dropped them off at school, the rest of the kids and I decided to hit a garage sale on the way back home.  Now, if you've read my blog for a long time, then you know that garage sales are in my blood. The first dollar I ever made was back in 1978 helping my granddad sell little plastic bird whistles that you fill up with water and blow. My granddad did flea markets, my parents still set up at a flea market, and I've been going to them since before I could walk. And the kids... well, they love them, too. And since it's finally getting cool enough in the mornings to go, then I figured I might as well introduce Naveen to the power of a bargain, too.

So, today, we hit the jackpot. It's not always like that around here. We live in a lake community, where the weekenders are rich, but the locals are struggling. It's a really weird atmosphere. Most of the kids out here are on free lunches and it's a Title 1 school.  But the summers and weekends bring a lot of out-of-towners to the lake and the whole town atmosphere changes.  Anyway, one of the lake homes decided to have a garage sale, and hot diggity, was it smokin'!

Y'all.  Oh my gosh, was this lady fancy. I have never seen so much high dollar stuff at a garage sale before in my life. You could tell she was dripping with money. And don't you know I did my best to squeeze my size 8 foot into a pair of size 7 gray python skin boots. I don't even like snakes. Or boots.  But I figure if I need to overcome my fear of snakes then the best way to do that is to wear a dead python on a pair of $400 boots that I paid 10 bucks for.  But, alas, it just wasn't happening. It was like the ugly stepsister trying to squeeze her manky toes into Cinderella's beautiful glass slipper. It would've killed me.  And it nearly did. It wasn't pretty at all and now my feet are cramped and aching and begging for a foot chiropractor. What's that called?

A podiatrist?

A husband?

Anyway, this lady obviously suffered from Imelda Marcos syndrome because there were shoes everywhere. AND, as an added bonus, she had a little grandson who was just a size bigger than Naveen, which meant that all his size 7's and 8's were going for a dollar. SCORE!

There were little bitty Nike Shox, and Sketchers, and some high dollar flip flops with skulls on them. I don't even like skulls for kids, but I figure Naveen's feet will hide them and they were just 50 cents. But then, my eyes spied the best deal of the day. A pair of Dinosoles! Y'all! They've got 3D dinosaurs on them! And they look like a dinosaur! And they're so stinkin' ugly that they're cute! Like a chihuahua! Or a weenie dog.  And even though Naveen's not into dinosaurs, I will force him. I WILL FORCE HIM! Because Eli still isn't completely over his SEVEN year obsession with all things T-Rex and Stegosaurus, which means I have SEVEN years of dinosaur sweaters and dinosaur shirts and dinosaur pajamas and even dinosaur underwear to pass on to this poor, unsuspecting child.  And if the dinosaur thing clicks, then that means I won't have to buy another Halloween costume or Easter basket or toy for the next six years.  And that is just too good of a deal to pass on.

So, by golly, I scooped up those Dinosoles and declared them the best things in the world and made my way to the lady with the apron.

And we got to talking... this Fancy Lady and me.... and I found out that she has a garage sale twice a year and that she always puts her grandson's clothes in the garage sale. And if I'm diligent enough and watch the signs, then Naveen Aashish Thomas is set for life. I will never have to buy him a $100 pair of tennis shoes in high school because I'll just get them from the Fancy Lady's garage sale. And if I can force Naveen into playing soccer, then I'll never have to buy him brand new cleats because I'll just buy them from the Fancy Lady's garage sale.  And, if for some reason, Naveen grows up to be a cross dresser and needs a gorgeous pair of Size 7 gray python boots or soft gorgeous brown calfskin boots with turquoise accent (oooooh they were beautiful) then I'll just take him to the Fancy Lady's garage sale and he'll be set.

The point is, the heavens opened and led me to the mecca of garage sales this morning and I'll never have to buy Naveen another pair of shoes again.

Ever.

So. We finally made our way back to the car... grinning from ear to ear and on a high that I haven't had since I went to Amsterdam back in 1995, and as I buckled Naveen in the car, I got a whiff of something.

"Naveen, what's that smell?"

"Poop!"

"What? Where?"  So I quickly checked his pants and didn't see a bit of poop anywhere. I also didn't see any underwear.  I suspect that Eli didn't put any on him this morning, the lazy slacker.

Still puzzled. I buckled myself in and started the car and then my eyebrows knit together and I whipped around and said,

"Naveen! Did you poop?"

He smiled real big and said, "YES!"

Oh sweet Jesus.  "Where did you poop?"

"Ova der!" And he pointed to the direction of the Fancy Lady's house.

And I swear, in slow motion, my head turned to the direction he was pointing and my eyes got big, as I spotted two things of poop sitting smack dab in the Fancy Lady's driveway. Honestly, y'all, time stood still. The blood drained out of my face, my whole body froze, and all I could think was... my kid sh** in the Fancy Lady's driveway! My kid SH** in the Fancy Lady's driveway!"

And I knew at once that there'd never be fancy gray python skin boots in my future. The closest we'd ever get to a pair of Nike Shox would be the shock of the full price retail tag. And as for sports? Forget soccer. He'll just have to take up barefoot running.

And with that, I drove away. I did. I totally panicked and took the coward way out. I left the poop just sitting right there for the Fancy Lady to clean up. Or some stray dog to come and eat. Or whatever the protocol is for cleaning up poop from some random kid at your garage sale.

I mean, I don't drive around with a bottle of bleach in my car.  I don't have a Poop First Aid Kit sitting in my glove box. Shoot, I didn't even have a plastic bag on me.  What's a mortified mom supposed to do?

So, I drove off in a cloud of shame with my kid's sh** sitting in the Fancy Lady's driveway and my dreams of cheap expensive shoes left in the dust.

And, oh, how I hope karma doesn't come back to bite me in the butt on that one!

.... you email a friend and then cut and paste it to your blog to serve as an update on what's going on your in life!

Today I emailed my friend Meredith to give her an update on what's been going on 'round these parts because I've not only been a blog slacker, but a friend slacker, as well. As I got to the end of the email, I thought, man, would it be really lazy to just cut and paste it to my blog so that I don't have to write anything for awhile?

So, here you have it. A personal look at the types of emails I sent to my friends. They're such a jumbled mess that it's a wonder I have any left!  But it also gives a quick update on how things are going around here.

Here you go!

****************************************************************************

Hey Meredith!

I'm sooo tired! Going to rent the Exotic Marigold Hotel tonight. Have you seen it? Takes place in India and just came out on DVD.

I woke up with a crick in my neck and it HURTS. No working out today. And I'm out of spinach, so no green juice. I've actually started to crave it. I know! Who am I??

Ran out of salt and haven't bought ANY! Can you believe it? Again... who is this woman??

Just had my period and... NO BOILS! Whoo hoo! (For those who don't know, I've gotten boils every time I get my period.. for ages! Gross. I know. Skip the visual. Something to do with hormones and my immune system being out of whack. I changed my diet and no boils for two months!!)

I cut full on bangs. I mean, full on! Like, I have the same hairstyle I had in third grade. And I don't know what I think about it. It covers up my wrinkles, but I think I need to cut some length off. Maybe go for a 20's flapper look. Scary! But I'm looking for ease. Still debating it.

I dyed my hair brown and it turned it black! It's starting to fade now, but I looked like Elvira - minus the cleavage - for a week or so.

Haven't watched ANY White Collar! What's up with that? Caught the first one and now I can't be bothered. Even though whatshisface is a total hottie. Nope, I'm too tired.

My house is filthy. Come over and clean it for me? =)

Sim's been sleeping on the couch for the last week because he can't sleep with Naveen. And Naveen has been waking up and crawling into our bed. So I've been sleeping with a tossing and turning three year old while my husband snoozes peacefully on the couch. What's wrong with this picture?

And I haven't found any diapers that don't leak, so I roll over in pee every single day! The other day my NECK got wet! What? Turns out, I forgot to put Naveen's willy down in his diaper and he peed straight up. It was in my hair and everything. But it was a good excuse to get off my butt and take a shower.

Eli is failing school and doesn't care.

Nandi should get an honary PhD in Passive Aggressive.

Naveen likes rap music.

Noah hasn't had any schooling in about two weeks. And his chiropracter doesn't take our insurance anymore. =(

He's also started communicating in text speak. The other day he spelled out... NO HR CT. NO TDY. NO NXT WK. NO MOM. (No haircut. Not today. Not next week. No mom). Omigosh, is he a preteen or what??

Sim is working another 7 day shift.

It is impossible to feed a family of 6 on a hundred dollars a week when that includes toilet paper, tampons, and dog food.

It's been 2 months and 2 days since I've had ANY sugar.

I still don't look 16, but my haircut is the same as an 8 year old's.

I am currently obsessed with the Civil War and might actually watch Cold Mountain. I haven't been able to bring myself to watch it yet.

And...that's all I can think of at the moment. This crick is killing me. I'm using it as an excuse to plop the kids in front of the TV while I lounge on the couch all day.

Hope you have a good Friday!!

P.S. Would it be incredibly lazy if I just cut and pasted this email to my blog because I'm too lazy to give an update??

Leslie =)

It's no secret that I've been in a funk lately. A big fat funk! Even Sim called today to check up on me because he's worried about me. It could have something to do with me telling him that he might come home one day to find my bags packed and skid marks in the driveway where the minivan used to sit.

And maybe a couple of kids left in the house for him to deal with.

Yesterday was rough.

I'm trying so hard to find a silver lining. If you read my last post, then you know that one of our kids is showing more and more signs of a mental illness. This particular child cycles and right now things are really good and when things are good, we start to doubt ourselves. But we know that it's all going to crash soon, so we're trying to enjoy the good bits for a while.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, depending on how you look at it, when that child is in a good period, our child that we thought had recovered from RAD, is in a baaaaaaddddd period. Let's just say that if you really want to know if your child has recovered from RAD then just adopt a cute and adorable toddler who demands all your attention, sleeps in your bed, and won't leave your side for months on end.

Yep. That ought a do it!

RAD. It's back!! And it's pissed!

It's not an exaggeration to say that  from the moment this child comes home to the moment she goes to bed,  it's a battle. Those four to four and a half hours are spent with her solely. Trying to regulate her. Calm her. Keep her from destroying things. Trying to build up her heart and let her know how much we love her. But it's exhausting.

If one child has more water in their glass than she does? We love that child more.
If one child runs to the bathroom to brush their teeth and beats her to it? She's a failure and obviously no good.
If our dog goes up to another child to be petted? The dog hates her. (Even though he sleeps with her each night.)

Everything is a race. Everything is a competition. And her Love Thank is NEVER full. Never. And it's exhausting. But she's worth it. So worth it. So we just keep plugging along.

But I am so tired.

Today, when Sim called, I complained, "I just want the house to be clean! It just gets on top of me and I can't get out from under it!"  And today, my one wish was to just clean the house.

But I had no desire. No energy. No will to do anything about it.

And then Noah broke a glass. Shattered it all over the table and floor. I swear it must have broke into a million pieces.  And I just wanted to cry. I just wanted to sink down on the floor and cry. But I had two barefoot kids that I had to think about, so I shooed them to the other room and got to work.

I had to sweep up all the glass to make sure nothing was left.

And did you know that in the process my floor got clean?

I had to clear away the left over dishes from lunch instead of leaving them on the table for the rest of the afternoon because what if a little piece of glass got into the food and one of the kids decided to take a bite?

And did you know that in the process my dishes got washed?

I had to clear off all the unopened mail and the puzzle pieces and the books and bits of paper and broken crayons off the table in order to make sure that all the glass was cleaned up.

And did you know that in the process my table got cleared off and those things got put back in their place?

And I had to take my spray cleaner and finally clear up the sticky patch of orange juice that got spilled two mornings ago because several teeny tiny pieces of glass got stuck in it.

And did you know that in the process that my kitchen table got cleaned and wiped down?

That broken glass... that glass that made me want to curl into fetal and sob my day away.... that glass that felt  like the straw that broke the camel's back... it turned out to be the biggest blessing of all.

There are so many things that I've wanted to write about, but I was afraid that I would sound so self-absorbed and so pitiful that I'm glad I kept things to myself. And I can't guarantee that I'll always keep those thoughts to myself, but I am trying desperately to see the positive in what otherwise seems like a hopeless situation.

So today, I'm going to be thankful for that broken glass that ended up cleaning my kitchen.

And, maybe just maybe, Noah will break one in the bedroom, the bathroom, and the living room, too....



P.S. Thank you all so much for the comments. I am absolutely terrible about replying to comments, but I read and cherish each one. So thank you so much for the kinds words of support. They are so appreciated! And if you've emailed me or Facebooked me and I haven't responded, please email me again or remind me. It's not personal, I promise!

Honestly, I don't know what's happened to me or why I've fallen off the blogging train, but things just seem so busy these days.  We're dealing with A LOT of things that I wonder if I should blog about. Things I feel I should blog about it because I suspect some of you are dealing with the same things. Things I worry about blogging about because my kids' names are already out there. Things I wish I could blog about under absolute anonymity. Things that make me wish I had kept pictures and names off this blog when I first started and things that make me think that I might just start completely over with a new blog where my kids are given pseudonyms and my profile pic is a photo of a supermodel or a cat or a sunset.

I think one of the hardest things about adoption is not knowing your child's genetic background. One of our kids is at the age where we're starting to see signs of mental illness. Signs that have been there all along, but signs that are becoming more prominent as this particular child gets older. In the past, people just waved off our suspicions, but lately when we've mentioned what we think might be going on with this particular child, people nod their head in agreement or say things like "I can see that" or "Yeah, he/she does seem xyz"  Part of me wants to shake them and scream, "Where were you 4,5,6 years ago when we were saying this?? When you made me feel stupid and like a paranoid mom?"  And there's a bit of bitterness still left in my mouth from the friends we've lost and the judgement we faced.... some things I guess can't be seen until kids are older. It doesn't make it hurt any less, though.

Another thing that's rearing its head is loss. Adoption is based on loss. Pure and simple. It seems so easy when kids are just babies or toddlers. You think that you can just hug them and hold them and love them and everything will be okay.  I used to look at moms who adopted years ago... moms who would warn that sometimes kids go through rough times when they realize what adoption really means... and I would look at my kids, my kids who thought I hung the moon, and think, "They'll never feel that way!!"

But kids grow up. Some sooner than others. And maybe some of you will escape the wrath, but many of you will hear the "You're not my REAL mom! I want my REAL mom! I never asked for this! I never asked to be adopted!!" and your child will cry or rage or feel unloved because they just can't fathom why "my real mom didn't want me".  And your heart will break.  It will break into a thousand pieces. Because no matter how hard you try, it's hard to heal the hole they feel inside.

In case I've depressed any of you who are waiting on your sweet kids to come home, I can tell you that only one of my kids, so far, is feeling this anguish.  And when I asked Noah if he wanted to discuss his adoption story or his birthparents, he spelled out N-O.  And when I asked why, he spelled out Y-O-U  I-S-  M-Y  R-E-A-L  M-O-M.

And I'm holding on to that so very tightly.

And this is what's going on right now. We have a lot of rage. A lot of cycling. A lot of intense anger.  Our Passive Aggressive child is also back in full force. We are in the trenches right now. Every day has been a battle, so if you can spare a prayer, I'd appreciate it.

The next few months are going to be interesting for us. We've got appointments that need to be lined up. Evaluations to be made. Naveen is having surgery next month because they think they might be able to save his kidney. And I'm doing my best to homeschool Noah in the midst of it all. I have a ton of parenting books to tackle. Websites to read. I feel like I'm having to learn a hundred different languages.  It's been so crazy, and we're dealing with so much, that our social worker, who we adore, told us that if we ever decided to adopt again that we'd have to get another social worker because she absolutely would not recommend us!! lol   Full Hands. Stretched Arms.

But things are going okay, too. We're tackling our credit cards, slowly but surely. A sweet friend brought me flowers the other day after reading a Facebook update. The new TV season starts up shortly... love me some Once Upon a Time! It's in the high 80's today. And I've lost 10 pounds. The same ten pounds I've lost and gained over the last ten years, but, not bad, eh?

Naveen continues to keep us in stitches. There's nothing better than cuddling up to him at the end of the day. I absolutely love having a little one in the house. It's like I get to live things over one more time. I can't wait for the upcoming holidays and to see the excitement on his face. EVERYTHING gets him excited. You should've seen the squeals of delight when the recycling truck drove through the neighborhood today!

Noah is my sweetheart. He's starting to make more eye contact and just floors me with how easy going he is. He just takes life one day at a time. He's getting so big! His size 8 shorts are too tight, now, so I'm scouting out 10's in the sales. We're studying the Middle Ages this year and I think this will be a great homeschool year for him.  Every year I ask him if he wants to go to public school and he spells N-O. M-I-S-S- Y-O-U. M-I-S-S  S-T-O-R-I-E-S  (the books I read to him).

Eli is now in the 3rd grade. He'll be 9 on the 17th. I'm going to a meeting in two weeks to see about getting him into GT Visual Arts. He's so creative! One of these days I'll have to take pictures of the toys he's made out of scrap wood at my dad's house. He's doing better in school this year and has a good friend. He's also so good with Naveen. I think it helps to have a kid in the house who he can boss around! But he's so good with Naveen. That's been a big blessing.

Nandini will turn 8 at the end of October. She's now in the 2nd grade. She and Noah have just started doing Special Olympics. Right now they're doing Bocce Ball and will start bowling next month. Nandi's too young to compete, so she just practices. I'm not sure she really qualifies for Special Olympics, but there's not a Paralympics around here, and the group doesn't mind her practicing with them. She also started piano last month. She's going to be the best one handed player around! She's also a big help around the house and loves to feel needed. In fact, she's about to help me start lunch.

And with that, I should go. I try to look at the bright side and try to find the humor in everything, but I wanted to give an update on what's going on... to explain why I haven't been blogging and to explain a little bit about some of the blog posts you might see in the future.

Okay, I really have to go now. My rager is raging.  Thanks for listening. Maybe the next post will be lighter??

I'm worried my post from yesterday turned into a big 'ol whine fest. So, I'm trying to dig myself out of the funk I've been in lately by realizing how blessed we are...

1. We may be up to our eyeballs in debt, but at least we have a roof over our head, food to eat, and air conditioning to keep us cool.  AND Sim and I are in agreement that we have to break down this mountain and we're slowly chipping away at it one penny at a time.

2. Noah may not qualify for SSI, but we are blessed to have been able to provide therapies for him for the last 10 years. He's never gone without and I'm so thankful that we've been in a position to give him what he needs.

3. N &E may have explosive tempers, but they both also have very sweet sides, are wonderful with Noah and Naveen, and we are very fortunate that their tempers are no longer violent.

4. Nandi's at Math & Reading camp this week through our local elementary school and it means we're all up, dressed, teeth brushed, fed and out the door by 7.45. I love being back on a schedule!

5. I have mountains of laundry to wash and fold, but how can I complain when there are so many people who have nothing?

6. We have been abundantly blessed with hand-me-downs and new clothes for Naveen and Nandi. Thank you Jeanie, Jennifer, Lisa, and Emily for thinking of us!

7. We may only have a grocery/diaper/dog food budget of $100 a week for a family of 6 (with food allergies), BUT there are people in the world surviving off 30 cents a day. We have never gone hungry. Never.

Ever.

And we always manage. Always. It's hard, but at least we have that $100 to spend.

8. I'm thankful for parents who live nearby who let me "borrow" rolls of toilet paper when we run out and who let us eat at their place once a week. (And who load my kids up on "the good stuff" when they start feeling deprived.)

9. Sometimes I throw myself a pity party because Sim is gone 12-14 hours a day, but I'm so thankful he has a job to go to, that pays well, and allows me to stay home. Geesh, why am I complaining? I'm also blessed that we're a double parent household and that he does come each night. I know that I'm very lucky.

10. I'm so fortunate that Noah's autism, though considered severe, is a mild form of severe. He's not violent. He's so sweet and gentle. He sleeps through the night (for the most part) and we are so so so blessed.

11. Naveen pees about every 20 minutes. He is constantly peeing. I found myself getting frustrated from constantly taking him to the toilet, but then I thought, you know what? I should be grateful that he pees so much. He has one working kidney and even that one's not at full capacity. How blessed we are that Naveen's kidney is working so well.

12. I also found myself getting frustrated at Eli's incessant talking. He.Never.Stops.Talking.Never.Ever.Ever and I'm a person who thrives on peace and quiet. The other day I actually said, 'Will you please stop talking?!" And it occurred to me that I constantly pray that Noah will start talking and here I am begging my very verbal kid to stop. Wrong attitude.

13. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by Naveen's clinginess. He becomes hysterical if I leave the house or if we go to my parents because he thinks I'm going to leave them there. He's fine when it's just us alone at home, but once Sim comes home, Naveen follows me like a little puppy everywhere I go. He's terrified I'll leave. But I am so thankful that he's bonded to me and that he's so attached to me and that he feels so secure with me. Just remind me of this when I'm on here in a few months complaining that I ended up having to get a pap smear with Naveen sitting in a stroller in the corner. Do you think they let three year olds come back when you get a mammogram?

14. Naveen may have parasites, but at least we have the medicine to fix them. There are so many people in other parts of the world who have to watch their children whither away from something that could be cured with a simple pill. We are blessed beyond measure!

Plus, I'm so thankful I've never opened up a diaper full of worms. *gag* No, really. I've just caused myself to gag. I have a terribly vivid imagination.

Okay, so there's more, but now I'm starting to feel embarrassed about all my whinging yesterday. I feel so selfish in reading these. But maybe every now and then I do need to set my pride aside and realize how blessed I am. I think I see the light more clearly when I write it all down and it's just sitting there staring back at me. It ain't pretty, that's for sure. But it does help me recognize that I need to change my way of thinking. Pity parties are great. For about 5 minutes. And then it's time move on.

So for today, I'm going to be thankful that Nandi's at Math & Reading camp. I have some free time to tackle chores. We have a pool for the kids to cool off in. We have a fabulous Occupational Therapist to work with the kids this afternoon. I have a husband who will be home in 11 and a half hours, and there's food in the fridge.

It's gonna be alright.

I can't believe it's been a whole month since I last blogged. Things have been crazy busy around here, but thought I'd pop in and give a quick update.

Summers are pretty rough for us due to our family dynamics. Nandi thrives on structure, Eli abhors it, Noah could spend all day spinning Tupperware lids on his his knees, and Naveen wakes up with an agenda to see how much he can destroy! haha   And then, of course, Nandi and Eli are like oil and water. They both compete for my attention and have pretty explosive tempers. And when you add a child who has severe autism, plus a newly adopted three year old who acts three so incredibly well....  well.... you get the drift. It's been kind of rough 'round these parts.

The end is in sight, though, with school starting up again on the 27th. Nandi and Eli are both in public school, with Nandi going into 2nd grade and Eli into 3rd. Public school has it's drawbacks for sure - and the hours of 3.30 - bedtime are usually disastrous, but it will give me several hours in the day to devote my time solely to Noah and Naveen (who both desperately need it!!!).  Once N & E come home, nothing else gets accomplished for the whole day.

We're headed to Austin in a few weeks so that Noah can work with Soma at HALO. We'll just be there a few days, but the kids are looking forward to it. A pool AND cable TV in the hotel? They think they're at Disney. I'm so glad that it takes so little to please them at this age.

This summer has also been full of doctor's appointments. Nandi, Eli, and Noah are all in OT. Nandi's had her ears checked. Turns out she can hear... she's just been ignoring us. I pretty much suspected it, but wanted to be sure.  She hit her head and had to go to the ER last month. They ran a CT scan, which was normal (except for her brain cyst). Still paying off that bill...

Eli goes on Wednesday to get his eyes checked. Naveen had some sort of kidney tests run a few weeks ago. They had to sedate them and we were there for ages. He goes to the nephrologist on the 13th for the results. That same day, Noah will get his new Neurodevelopment evaluation through A Hope and A Future .

AND... Naveen's bloodwork, urine, and stool tests all came back. He tested positive for parasites. *Shudder*  Which reminds me that I keep forgetting to pick up his Flagyl from CVS.

Sim and I have just started doing the Dave Ramsey program. Our goal is to be credit card free by my 40th birthday, which is next August. Considering that we financed an entire adoption on our credit card(s), we have a looooong way to go. It was worth it, but now that the kids are getting older, their bills are getting more expensive. Nandi's cavity from last month set us back over $200. For one baby tooth that's going to fall out eventually.  Anyway, our budget is tight. I've always wondered how other parents of children with special needs do it. We are definitely starting to feel the pinch. All the kids need a variety of therapies and we don't qualify for SSI.... so, we're just going to buckle down and do it. A couple of years of hard work will pay off in the long term, and we really do need to start thinking about our future. To tell you how serious I am about it, I have held off on buying hair dye and gave my mom my birthday wish list for next month - hair dye, conditioner, and face moisturizer.  I'm currently moisturizing my face with the same lavender baby lotion that I slather on Naveen's butt!

Okay, so this is possibly the most boring blog post ever. A total ramble. But nothing exciting 's been going on. Naveen is doing great. He's soooo three!! He has a bit of a temper and is definitely exerting his independence. He's still firmly attached to me and doesn't care much for Sim or my parents (much to their dismay). Our social worker comes at the end of the month for our 2nd post placement visit, so we'll run through some ideas with her.

Nandi broke my camera, so I don't have any pictures to show, but if I can figure out how to get them out of the camera and onto the computer, I'll post some.  And hopefully not wait so long to update again! Who knows, maybe when school starts up, my sense of humor and personality will come back?! =)  I hope so!

They're not fair trade or organic or environmentally friendly...



They're not harvested from wood and sculpted into shape by indigenous tribes in the Amazon....


And I didn't buy them from some eco-friendly catalogue for fifty bucks a pop...



But these leftover styrofoam cups that he found in the back of our pantry have become his favorite toy.