We haven't been to church in two weeks. We haven't been to Lifegroup. We are banned from participating in Buddy League Baseball (for kids with special needs) until Nandini's lice goes away - even though she's not playing and will just sit in the stands with me.
And, on top of it all, I just feel like a crappy mother.
Do you ever get that way?
When we started homeschooling, I would read all these blogs of other homeschooling families to get ideas. Now, I just don't even want to read them because they depress the life out of me.
There's a particular blog of a lady who lives up north. I swear she must be June Cleaver. She is perfect. Everything's all perfect and pristine. She has "Tea & Cake" days and does all sorts of arts and crafts. Her kids go to aquarium school. She even has a kid with autism. Yet, somehow, she has her act together. She's mentioned that she wants her blog to be a warm, inviting place for readers to sit down and have a cup of tea... but when I visit it..all I feel is stressed out. I read her blog and then look around my house and think, "Wow, my kids are really screwed".
And then I start questioning God's wisdom. Like, what was He possibly thinking by cursing my kids with me as a mom? They totally deserve someone warm and inviting who makes them date raisin cake and hot cocoa. Someone who likes to go on nature walks and knows the name of every North American bird. Someone who can make dresses out of sackcloth and knit sweaters and socks - and who actually enjoys it.
Instead they got me. And, yes, I am throwing one big pity party for myself.
Party at Leslie's!!! Free chips and salsa for all!!
I have been so lost ever since I became a stay at home mom. Or should I say.. stay at home, homeschooling mom. I have NO routine. Noah doesn't have to be at school at 7:45 and picked up at 12:30. And now that we don't have television, there's no TV to remind me that As the World Turns comes on in 30 minutes... so, oops, it's lunch time. There's no Take Home Chef to remind me that it's time to cook dinner. But somehow, Sim isn't buying this as a reason to spend $60 on DirecTV each month.
And to top it off, Noah is up by 4:00 every morning. Then he falls asleep the moment Eli wakes up at 6:30. I think he does it just to tick me off. Then it's snack time by the time Noah wakes up. And, of course, he doesn't want breakfast if the others are having a snack. Then, I really should be teaching him when the other two crash out for a nap. But by then I'm so tired that I just veg out... which is very easy to do when you have a child who likes to sit around all day and who demands no attention. And then I feel guilty... which is like a cancer. It will eat and eat at you and make you feel like the most horrible person on earth.
While June Cleaver up north is teaching her 8 year old Science that is aimed at 12th graders, I'm lucky if I remember to cut the kids' nails once a week. I usually only remember after one of them scratches another and leaves claw marks down the side of their face/arm/back.
I am trying really, really hard. But today - or should I say. the past few days - I've just been wondering if God made a mistake. I feel like I'm going to fail my kids. I can't control Nandini's lice. I can't make her keep her leg brace on. Eli doesn't respect me and I can't help him control his temper. Heck, I can't even teach the stupid alphabet. How can a 4 1/2 year old NOT know the alphabet? I take Noah to Austin every 2 weeks, but then get busy at home and don't work with him. He has the potential to be a great mathematician or a scientist or a writer.. but it all rest with me. It all rests with me teaching him. And I suck at it. I really do. But I know that without a shadow of a doubt that God told me to homeschool Noah. I will go to my grave knowing that. And, really, he's learned some things and he's able to sleep in and things aren't so rushed.
But, my goodness, the kid must be bored to death.
I can't even believe I'm going to push the "Publish Post" button on this blog post. Just please excuse me or ignore me while I have a pity party for myself. It's just been one of those weeks.
Hey wait. It's only Monday. Ah, man. That's depressed me even more.
All I can say is that blogging is cheaper than therapy. And one of these days, hopefully, I'll look back at this post.. you know, when my kids have graduated from Harvard at age 18 and won the Nobel Peace Prize at 20 and just laugh and laugh about how foolish I was.
Or at least I can dream about that.
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