The-Courier-recoveringnoah

Okay. So, um, we've decided to send Nandi & Eli to public school this year.

Eeek!

I know. I know. After all the belly-aching that I did last year and all the reasons I've listed about why Eli would do better being homeschooled and after all the WONDERFUL advice that ya'll gave me about homeschooling.... and I go and do this.

How many of you want to smack me upside the head right about now?

Oh man. It was a hard hard HARD decision. I mean, if I keep Eli home and put Nandi in school then I know without a doubt that her RAD would flare-up big time. And if I keep them both home then Noah would really suffer. Poor thing has already been ignored practically all summer long. It's easy to ignore him because he's so quiet (literally) and likes to stay in his room. And if I put Nandi & Eli both in school, then Noah would finally get the attention he needs (and maybe get potty-trained!) but Eli would have a miserable time.

How do you choose? How do you say, "Okay, this child is going to have to suffer so these two can be okay?"

So I ended up doing what was best for me. And that's to keep homeschooling Noah and let Nandi & Eli attend public school this year.

Deep breath. I know that must sound incredibly selfish. But I've really thought about it and prayed about it and stressed about it. Omigosh, have I stressed. And even though I never heard God tell me directly what to do (like He did with Noah), when we made the decision not to homeschool Nandi & Eli this year, it was like a huge relief came over me. Like all the weight of the world had finally dropped off.

And I felt free.

To tell you the truth, this summer hasn't been the greatest. I've been trying to homeschool the kids this summer to give it a trial run and we've all been miserable. Well, Nandi actually likes school. She wants to do it all the time and I think she'll do well in Kindergarten. I try not think about her older years because I'll start hyperventilating. But Kindergarten should be just fine.

But Eli... oh my word. I swear I have an ulcer. I mean it. I'm pretty darn sure.

I love him dearly, but we butt heads All. The. Time. And he's a manipulative little sucker. He doesn't act like this with his teacher or his daddy or his grandma or anyone else. But he gets around me and all of a sudden he forgets how to read, doesn't know how to erase an answer, holds books upside down, gets tired, has his arms start itching, gets hungry, you name it.

Anything to avoid doing school work.

Plus, he flat-out told me that he knows that eventually he'll get his way if he wears me down.

Do you see what I'm dealing with??

Anyway, the thing I've really had to come to terms with this summer is my emotional health. I feel things really deeply. Always have. And I was born with a super extra helping of good ol' Guilt. It permeates everything. I constantly feel guilty about something. Usually parenting. Sometimes about eating too much cheese. Never ever about hiding Reece's Pieces in the back of my drawer underneath my Shape magazines.

Oh, the irony.

But it's always there.

I also can get depressed and down very easily. I did have a couple of moments of utter darkness four years ago that I never ever want to revisit. And so, I think I really need to keep myself in a good mental shape. And I need to keep my kids in a good mental shape. And, truth me told, I can get worn-down and overwhelmed very easily and my biggest fear is that one day I'm going to snap and say something I'll regret. I need to protect my children and be their advocate. I don't want to be the one who loses her temper and destroys their self-esteem.

Does that make sense?

You know, the hardest part is coming to terms with the fact that you are who you are and you need to stop wishing you could be like everyone else. Man, I wish I could homeschool. And I know some of you might be saying, "But I didn't think I could, either! And I'm doing it. You CAN do it!" But, you know, I just don't feel called to do it right now. I do feel called to do it with Noah and it has NOTHING to do with me loving one child more than the other or thinking one child is more important than the other. I know without a doubt that God told me to homeschool Noah, but I haven't gotten that confirmation yet about Nandi & Eli. My gut tells me that it will happen someday, so maybe I'm okay with it right now because I know that public school won't be forever. But, for now, I feel pretty good about them going.

And, honestly, maybe I'm just a big nerd, but I'm getting excited about school starting. I love Meet the Teacher Night. And I love the notes that get sent home. And I love meeting other parents. It makes me feel like part of a community. And, yes, I actually look forward to those Scholastic Book Order Forms that come home in backpacks once a month. And I love the holiday parties. And the Talent Show.

I'm not going to lie. It's going to be hard. Really hard. Kindergarten was hard for Eli and I know First Grade will be even harder. Who knows... he may last the whole year or we may pull him out after the first month. But really, what helps me with this is knowing that I'm still going to be his mom.

Even though he'll be gone until 3:30 every day... I'm still going to be his mom. I'm still going to be his teacher. And the same with Nandi. I'm not going to stop being in their lives just because they're going to public school. Right now, I'm still the person they love more than anyone else in the world. And, yes, that will change as they get older... but that would change regardless of whether or not I homeschool them. It'll change because that's life and that's part of the growing up process.

So, anyway, I'm looking forward to the start of school. I feel confident that we're making the right decision (for the time being - ha!) and that this is what's best for me to be the kind of mom I desire to me... and that my kids desire me to be.... one that's calm, relaxed, happy, and caring. Hopefully, Stressed-out Screaming Mom will soon be a long faded memory.

And if there's a gambling pool going on about how long it takes me to write an "I Hate Public School" blog post... just keep it to yourself for the time being, 'kay? ;-)

P.S. And if there are any flames, please keep them light. It's hard to get out here and take the "I'm going to do what's best for me" approach. Sometimes, the "What's best for Mom approach" can also be what's best for the kids.

You know that saying. If Mom ain't happy..... ain't nobody happy!